The Process...

Dear Readers,
Here's an update. I have spoken with my wife and she told me that her doctor told her that we have to separate from the Army in order to facilitate her healing. She told me point blank that if I stay in the Army she will take our child and live with her mother until I ETS. My wife and I are very close, and she loves me, but she is losing her mind to severe depression. She wants to be with me, but not at the cost of her mental and emotional health. We are going to see her doctors tomorrow and the next day, and she tells me that the purpose is for them to corroborate what she has told me. If things are as serious as she says, I won't have any choice but to apply for a hardship discharge. I am not going to separate from my family simply so I can continue soldiering. My family is what gives me the strength to do so in the first place. I define who I am by my family. I have not been sleeping without chemical help these last two months or so, I have quit going to the gym, and I have really begun not caring whether or not I put anyone in the Army. Why? Because I am not only getting severe stress from the job, but from home as well. I don't have the energy to handle both anymore. Hell, I think I need to start talking to a chaplain or something. We need a drastic change or I fear my family will fall apart. If it comes to a choice between the Army or my family, I will choose my family every time.

The Towel...

Well, dear fans. The time has come for me to do one of two things, throw down the gauntlet, or throw in the towel. Should I choose to do the former, I think I will get put out of the Army with a "Big Chicken Dinner", thus rendering myself unemployable. This leaves the latter as my only option. My family is falling apart. My poor wife is averaging three hours of sleep per night, and my son is going stir crazy because my wife doesn't have the energy to contend with a wild four-year old. Her doctor has already told her what the source of her stress is, my "job". He told her point blank that in order for her to normalize, I need to be doing something else. He suggested that military life is not good for my wife. I suppose this puts me at somewhat of an impasse. I refuse to destroy my family integrity simply so that I can live the life I would prefer. I love being a soldier, but I love my family more. I choose the towel...

Hell

This has now moved beyond purgatory and into the realm of hell. I now am beginning to wonder if it is worth it any more. I enjoy being a soldier. I enjoy my job. I do not enjoy this recruiting bit. My boss and 1st sergeant keep telling me that I have to change my attitude, that if I would just change my perspective, this wouldn't be so bad.

Allow for me to relay a small story for you as to why I am unable to change my perspective. I have been on vacation for the last week or so--I NEEDED a break. (I sometimes think I am losing my mind. ) I haven't been able to find anyone to join the Army thismonth, so my boss calls me and teels me that he wants to know if I want to work tomorrow. I tell him "not really" because, quite frankly, I am not looking forward to going to work on monday, so why would I want to work two days sooner? He then begins to browbeat me about why I should be trying to scrape someone up on this last day of the month, I should be doing all I can to find someone to send down to join on monday so I can "get off a (dough)nut." He procedes to tell me, in so many words, what a horrendous POS I am and how I should feel awful--not because I won't be working tomorrow, but because I don't want to work tomorrow. What is this, the thought police? I tell him that the 70+ hours a week we already work should be sufficiently "going the extra mile". He then launches into a tirade about how he works twice as many hours as we do, and he doesn't complain. Someone once told me that you don't use wrong to excuse wrong, I think this fits the case. Truthfully, I feel sorry for the guy, but he really doesn't need to take it out on us.

I hope I can survive this, but somehow I think I need to start fishing for a good civilian job. Kind of ironic, given that the whole purpose of this organization is to find people to join the Army, they seem to have no problem sacrificing one of us in the name of that "mission".

What seems to be the problem?

I am having a difficult month this month. It seems that I won't be putting anyone in the Army this month, or as my superiors (meaning those above me in rank or position) would say, I "haven't pulled/my/load.", that I am"hurting the Army". I guess I am just not cut out for this type of work. I mean, I suppose it's difficult to get hyped about a job that has caused my wife to begin taking antidepressants, maybe that's why I am not "successful". Maybe it's that my child, who used to be proud when daddy went to work ("Daddy, are you a sojer? I wanna be a sojer too."), now cries when daddy puts on his uniform. I mean, if I didn't have the drain of my family, I would have more energy to devote to the sales enterprise...I mean recruiting. Besides, it's better than being in Iraq, right? At least I get to see them every night...for a half hour before they go to sleep. PLEASE! That's what I joined to do. When my family knows I am going to be gone for a fixed amount of time--six months, a year--it's a much less emotionally draining endeavor than having me as an intermittant spectre. If I were in Iraq, at least my family would know that I did not wake up every morning and curse the day. I would at least be doing a job I was comfortable with, a job I am good at, a job I know.

I am sorry, USAREC, I can't pretend to be hyped and motivated about this job. I can't pretend that I like working 70-75 hrs per week. I can't pretend that inordinate and constant pressure helps in a job where 90% of that factors involved are beyond my control. I can't pretend that I don't take it personally when some ignorant kid hangs up on me, or tells me to f-off, or tells me that we "don't need" a military. I can't pretend that it doesn't grate on my nerves when some stupid parent tells me that their snotty kid, who barely cut 950 on the SAT, is too good for the Army. I am not the right man for this job.